The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
