If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Randomize
