I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
