Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
