Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
