This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
