I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
