I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
