You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
