I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
