can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
