I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
