Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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