I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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