I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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