There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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