i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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