she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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