You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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