I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
