We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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