You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
