Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
