Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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