i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
