Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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