I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
