apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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