I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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