i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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