My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
