Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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