remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
