I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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