She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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