i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
