I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
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Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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