Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
