i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
