bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
