The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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