Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
