Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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