I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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