guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
