Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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