Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
