and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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