there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
