it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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