if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
