i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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