then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm at about main and main street
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
