She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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