Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
