We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
