Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
